A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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