Tell her she can't have a vagina
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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