Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize