the condom got lost in my hair
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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