Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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