I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
