I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
