During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
