Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
