I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
time to smoke my breakfast
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
