My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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