i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We are all done wearing pants today
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
