Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you never un-have a 4some
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
