Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
