i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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