Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
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