The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
