he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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