True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
How's work?
Spinning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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