I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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