Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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