i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
