It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
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