My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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