Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
