i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
