i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
