I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
