why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
this boner is exhausting
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
