so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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