he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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