Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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