just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
