he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
