So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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