Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
