Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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