Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize