She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
