you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
