was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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