I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
