I bet he comes in French.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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