How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
