Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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