I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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