perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
