Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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