Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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