um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
