I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
