no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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