Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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