I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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