so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
