I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
