Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
