i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize