Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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