Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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