For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
