Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
bring money and cleavage
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize