Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
