If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
